Oh, this is a fascinating start. I look forward to seeing more of this and meeting these characters, I don't know where you're going with this but I'm sure it'll be interesting.
Some feedback on your actual writing:
"Oh relax, Jill! " He said, attempting to make his face into a winning smile. should be "Oh relax, Jill!" he said, attempting to make his face into a winning smile.
and, similarly, "Looks like it's going to be a late night tonight." He remarked as the two began scaling the rock staircases to reach the house, Elon having a significantly harder time. should be "Looks like it's going to be a late night tonight," he remarked as the two began scaling the rock staircases to reach the house, Elon having a significantly harder time.
The end of the sentence isn't at the end of their quotations if you then add on a "he said" or similar at the end, therefore you use a comma and not a period and lowercase the pronoun after. You keep the punctuation if its a question or exclamation mark, as that's a bit different, but you carry on with a lowercase pronoun if it's just "he said." Unless that's the end of the sentence, and after that you're going into something entirely different, of course. Like this...
Dr. Telsa nodded. "That would do the trick." He turned to his colleague.
...is good. You don't need to change that as it's three different sentences.
Just figured you might want some feedback on that, it's a really easy mistake (I had to correct /every single instance of that in the entire Monstrous trilogy/ and it SUCKED) but it makes it slightly annoying to read for some people.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2017-04-01 02:49 pm (UTC)Some feedback on your actual writing:
"Oh relax, Jill! " He said, attempting to make his face into a winning smile.
should be
"Oh relax, Jill!" he said, attempting to make his face into a winning smile.
and, similarly,
"Looks like it's going to be a late night tonight." He remarked as the two began scaling the rock staircases to reach the house, Elon having a significantly harder time.
should be
"Looks like it's going to be a late night tonight," he remarked as the two began scaling the rock staircases to reach the house, Elon having a significantly harder time.
The end of the sentence isn't at the end of their quotations if you then add on a "he said" or similar at the end, therefore you use a comma and not a period and lowercase the pronoun after. You keep the punctuation if its a question or exclamation mark, as that's a bit different, but you carry on with a lowercase pronoun if it's just "he said." Unless that's the end of the sentence, and after that you're going into something entirely different, of course. Like this...
Dr. Telsa nodded. "That would do the trick." He turned to his colleague.
...is good. You don't need to change that as it's three different sentences.
Just figured you might want some feedback on that, it's a really easy mistake (I had to correct /every single instance of that in the entire Monstrous trilogy/ and it SUCKED) but it makes it slightly annoying to read for some people.