99th Battalion: Dawn Cry (Chapter I)
Oct. 11th, 2014 10:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theamericanzergling posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
saladloveAlright, chapter 1. I warn you that this chapter may be a bit boring for some. It's basically about stasis. Nothing too exciting.
Chapter I: Awakening
Francis awoke in the gelatin. The Casket was very roomy, it was full of the gelatin and had an emergency hatch to both Francis' left and right. If activated, the stasis casket would slowly open, but with violent force, and would float off, in case of a hole in the ship that lead to space. The casket would then put the user in a secondary stasis were it was estimated that the user would be alive for up to 5,000 years in space, with only the gelatin to feed them oxygen and nutrients. This would only be used if the section was exposed to space.
Francis wasn't laying down, he was in between the gelatin that kept him suspended in the center. The gelatin supplied nutrients and oxygen to the user, developed by Tutur Company Scientists that was used for the most common large crew space travel of stasis caskets.
Francis knew he awoken to the manual call, which meant that the Captain needed the crew, or they had arrived. The casket slowly moved forward. Francis was on a diagonal pose in stasis, but the casket raised to make him nearly vertical. The gelatin began to filter, causing Francis to realize he was very hungry and tired. The gelatin was completely filtered and the casket began to open up.
Francis could barely see a thing, or hear, or smell. After stasis space travel, humans in stasis would loose their senses because their bodies haven't used them for so long. He was weak and alone in his casket, although he knew that other pods were next to him, open and with other soldiers, he couldn't sense them nor could they sense him.
Procedure instructed that he stayed in the casket till a fleet doctor came to give him back his senses. The doctors would carry amplifiers that would amplify eye sight, hearing, smell, and taste. They also carried weak needles that would temporally increase strength until the effects wore off.
Francis waited in what seemed like forever for a doctor to show. It was hell, being weak, not seeing anything, hearing anything, tasting anything, smelling anything. No one to talk to, nowhere to go. Just staying still doing literally nothing.
Suddenly Francis could taste, which meant that a doctor had showed up. Francis tasted his mouth, he could taste the saliva, the teeth, the top and bottom, the lips, the air he breathed in he could even taste and the dryness of his mouth for having little fluids. It was like never seeing light all your life and then for the first time you see a shine.
Next was Francis was able to smell. He could smell the odor that the gelatin left behind, the smell of his body, the smell of the doctor's body. He knew that usually these would smell awful, but at this moment it was pleasant.
Then came Francis' hearing. He could finally hear everything in the area around him. He realized that there was a great deal of moans going around. He was moaning himself, which he hadn't realized he was doing. At this point the doctor was giving instructions, but Francis was distracted by the fact he could hear. The doctor knew this though, he was only feeding things to hear, as well as bring back memories of speech, for sometimes crewmen like Francis may have forgotten how to talk in the seeming eternity of waiting.
At first Francis couldn't understand the doctor, but soon he could hear something about the doctor's son and wife, something about the Flesh Elves and Sashonet and the 99th Battalion.
Francis suddenly could see. He saw the chamber around him and the bubble like architecture in it. He noticed the hundreds of caskets around him, opened with doctors attending the crew. The doctor in front of him was an older man, with grey hair, but still good skin. He was shorter than Francis, but still average height. He wore a grey lab coat and had devices in his hands that Francis figured were used for his stasis recovery.
"Now you see me," Francis could finally understand the Doctor, "Now the last part may look scary but you won't feel a thing. I am just going to place this needle in this vein right here." The doctor placed a device that had a needle on the end over a vein in Francis' arm. "Now this," the doctor continued, "will give you some strength to move around the ship until you fully recover."
The doctor placed the needle and slowly injected a fluid into Francis' vein. When the doctor pulled it out Francis became very aware and energized.
"Now all you have to do is go down the hall. Follow some of the other members of the crew," the doctor instructed, "The cafeteria and Gym is down that way where you can exercise your senses."
Francis took a while to remember how to move. He struggled to get out of his casket, the doctor helping him, and slowly stumbled to the cafeteria.
Chapter I: Awakening
Francis awoke in the gelatin. The Casket was very roomy, it was full of the gelatin and had an emergency hatch to both Francis' left and right. If activated, the stasis casket would slowly open, but with violent force, and would float off, in case of a hole in the ship that lead to space. The casket would then put the user in a secondary stasis were it was estimated that the user would be alive for up to 5,000 years in space, with only the gelatin to feed them oxygen and nutrients. This would only be used if the section was exposed to space.
Francis wasn't laying down, he was in between the gelatin that kept him suspended in the center. The gelatin supplied nutrients and oxygen to the user, developed by Tutur Company Scientists that was used for the most common large crew space travel of stasis caskets.
Francis knew he awoken to the manual call, which meant that the Captain needed the crew, or they had arrived. The casket slowly moved forward. Francis was on a diagonal pose in stasis, but the casket raised to make him nearly vertical. The gelatin began to filter, causing Francis to realize he was very hungry and tired. The gelatin was completely filtered and the casket began to open up.
Francis could barely see a thing, or hear, or smell. After stasis space travel, humans in stasis would loose their senses because their bodies haven't used them for so long. He was weak and alone in his casket, although he knew that other pods were next to him, open and with other soldiers, he couldn't sense them nor could they sense him.
Procedure instructed that he stayed in the casket till a fleet doctor came to give him back his senses. The doctors would carry amplifiers that would amplify eye sight, hearing, smell, and taste. They also carried weak needles that would temporally increase strength until the effects wore off.
Francis waited in what seemed like forever for a doctor to show. It was hell, being weak, not seeing anything, hearing anything, tasting anything, smelling anything. No one to talk to, nowhere to go. Just staying still doing literally nothing.
Suddenly Francis could taste, which meant that a doctor had showed up. Francis tasted his mouth, he could taste the saliva, the teeth, the top and bottom, the lips, the air he breathed in he could even taste and the dryness of his mouth for having little fluids. It was like never seeing light all your life and then for the first time you see a shine.
Next was Francis was able to smell. He could smell the odor that the gelatin left behind, the smell of his body, the smell of the doctor's body. He knew that usually these would smell awful, but at this moment it was pleasant.
Then came Francis' hearing. He could finally hear everything in the area around him. He realized that there was a great deal of moans going around. He was moaning himself, which he hadn't realized he was doing. At this point the doctor was giving instructions, but Francis was distracted by the fact he could hear. The doctor knew this though, he was only feeding things to hear, as well as bring back memories of speech, for sometimes crewmen like Francis may have forgotten how to talk in the seeming eternity of waiting.
At first Francis couldn't understand the doctor, but soon he could hear something about the doctor's son and wife, something about the Flesh Elves and Sashonet and the 99th Battalion.
Francis suddenly could see. He saw the chamber around him and the bubble like architecture in it. He noticed the hundreds of caskets around him, opened with doctors attending the crew. The doctor in front of him was an older man, with grey hair, but still good skin. He was shorter than Francis, but still average height. He wore a grey lab coat and had devices in his hands that Francis figured were used for his stasis recovery.
"Now you see me," Francis could finally understand the Doctor, "Now the last part may look scary but you won't feel a thing. I am just going to place this needle in this vein right here." The doctor placed a device that had a needle on the end over a vein in Francis' arm. "Now this," the doctor continued, "will give you some strength to move around the ship until you fully recover."
The doctor placed the needle and slowly injected a fluid into Francis' vein. When the doctor pulled it out Francis became very aware and energized.
"Now all you have to do is go down the hall. Follow some of the other members of the crew," the doctor instructed, "The cafeteria and Gym is down that way where you can exercise your senses."
Francis took a while to remember how to move. He struggled to get out of his casket, the doctor helping him, and slowly stumbled to the cafeteria.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-11 03:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-13 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-15 05:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-15 05:22 am (UTC)More specifically, here are some areas that could be improved upon:
"A doctor finally showed as Francis could suddenly taste. Francis tasted his mouth, " This is slightly odd, as it is not clear if the doctor showed causing his ability to taste, if his ability to taste happened as the doctor arrived, or the fact that he could taste allowed him to notice the doctor who had already been there. Additionally, your description of taste is more a description of touch, admittedly in the mouth, rather than taste itself.
"Next was Francis' scent. " So.... the next thing that happened was Francis' odor? Like, the next thing that happened was that he started to produce a smell? Basically, this area is fine, but you have just used the word word here, where through typo or lack of knowledge.
"Next came Francis' hearing" This is almost a duplicate of the previous into. In general, you want to avoid dulling repetition, especially in particular areas such as paragraph intros. The one exception to this is when you are using repetition to make a point or list, but for that you need more than two repetitions, and normally the repeated sections are exact duplicates in order to increase the effect.
"finally here the area around him" Typo, replace 'here' with 'hear', though how you hear the area around you I am not exactly sure.
" the fact he could here" And here we go again.... 'here' to 'hear'.
"knew this and was the point" Hunh? I can't help you here, because I don't even know what it is you're trying to say....
Overall though, this is very good, and the fact that I can point out specific errors at this level (the fact that an error of this level is an error, or decrease in skill, in comparison to the rest of the story) is a testament to that. Well done, good sir.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-15 09:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-16 05:33 am (UTC)However, I still must point out the relevance..... It doesn't even need to be or become relevant, just an explanation why it is/will be or how it will become so would work.