Souls - Chapter 1: Smoke in the Distance
Apr. 5th, 2017 06:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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saladloveWhat the heck I'm actually writing? I'm just as shocked as some of you probably are.
But look! A series! That's likely gonna be updated daily!! I hope I keep this motivation.
This is actually the story I'm writing for Camp NaNoWriMo. My goal is 25k words right now. First chapter's a little over 600 words, but it will hopefully pick up in the future.
She thought she was in bed.
It took all of her returning strength to open her eyes, and she was immediately blinded by the fading rays of dusk. Her senses still numb from what felt like an eternity of darkness, she rested for a little longer. She moved her arms on the ground around her. Dirt. Roots. But something nestled itself beneath her head that gave her a crick in her neck. Something large.
She tried once again to open her eyes. Slowly, she adjusted herself to the view. Branches fancied with green, swaying leaves leaned into her vision. They could be seen warmer, but the fleeting light of the sun grew dimmer as it set below the forest. The sky that peaked at her through to canopy contrasted a dark blue.
Finally, eyes wide open, she started to sit up. Her muscles ached in disuse, and she breathed heavily when she fully sat up. She woke up among the roots of a tree to her right, but the package her head rested on intrigued her the most.
The case was blue- the same shade of blue as the dusk sky. Despite sitting among dirty leaves, it was clean spare for the faded, illegible, golden words on top. It felt soft to the touch, yet its seams were tightly bound by black rubber. Two black straps were on either side of the case to hold, and from end to end ran a thick, black strap meant to be slung over a shoulder. The rectangular box fascinated her.
Shakily, she tried standing up. Her first attempt didn’t go well. She fell back down heaving, but the second time, she gripped the roots to pull herself onto her feet, and then she finally elevated herself. Her legs wobbled like mad, but she stood. She turned her head around the forest clearing, wondering where she could walk to. She settled on the nearest tree.
When she had arrived at her final destination, excitement enthralled her. She looked back to where she originally stood by the blue case, and from there, she could see through the tops of the trees and where the sun sank out of view. A blazing orange line ran across the horizon, but the light fanned green throughout the atmosphere. What a beautiful sight.
She could see! Was that smoke in the distance she saw? Who knew! She could hear! There goes a bird right now. Its song called out into the growing darkness of the sky. She ran her hands up the sleeves of torn cloth. How wonderful it was to feel again!
She was free.
She let out a holler. Her voice cracked in disuse. How nice it was to speak again. She did a dance and jumped back to the tree where she woke up. When she got there, her leg collapsed beneath her. She didn’t care as she lied flat on her back staring up into the darkening canopy. Breathing in, she sat up again and looked up and to her left. On a second inspection, she realized she was right. Black clouds billowed in the distance. Despite the growing dusk, the smoke fought to be visible, and she could smell it too. Oh boy could she smell it, but smell did not give her as much satisfaction or joy as did seeing, hearing, and feeling. Why was that? Why was there smoke billowing in the distance?
She looked down at the blue case. What was it? Why was it there?
All the sudden, her conscious mind dropped.
Why did she feel so free? Why was she there?
Who am I?
But look! A series! That's likely gonna be updated daily!! I hope I keep this motivation.
This is actually the story I'm writing for Camp NaNoWriMo. My goal is 25k words right now. First chapter's a little over 600 words, but it will hopefully pick up in the future.
She thought she was in bed.
It took all of her returning strength to open her eyes, and she was immediately blinded by the fading rays of dusk. Her senses still numb from what felt like an eternity of darkness, she rested for a little longer. She moved her arms on the ground around her. Dirt. Roots. But something nestled itself beneath her head that gave her a crick in her neck. Something large.
She tried once again to open her eyes. Slowly, she adjusted herself to the view. Branches fancied with green, swaying leaves leaned into her vision. They could be seen warmer, but the fleeting light of the sun grew dimmer as it set below the forest. The sky that peaked at her through to canopy contrasted a dark blue.
Finally, eyes wide open, she started to sit up. Her muscles ached in disuse, and she breathed heavily when she fully sat up. She woke up among the roots of a tree to her right, but the package her head rested on intrigued her the most.
The case was blue- the same shade of blue as the dusk sky. Despite sitting among dirty leaves, it was clean spare for the faded, illegible, golden words on top. It felt soft to the touch, yet its seams were tightly bound by black rubber. Two black straps were on either side of the case to hold, and from end to end ran a thick, black strap meant to be slung over a shoulder. The rectangular box fascinated her.
Shakily, she tried standing up. Her first attempt didn’t go well. She fell back down heaving, but the second time, she gripped the roots to pull herself onto her feet, and then she finally elevated herself. Her legs wobbled like mad, but she stood. She turned her head around the forest clearing, wondering where she could walk to. She settled on the nearest tree.
When she had arrived at her final destination, excitement enthralled her. She looked back to where she originally stood by the blue case, and from there, she could see through the tops of the trees and where the sun sank out of view. A blazing orange line ran across the horizon, but the light fanned green throughout the atmosphere. What a beautiful sight.
She could see! Was that smoke in the distance she saw? Who knew! She could hear! There goes a bird right now. Its song called out into the growing darkness of the sky. She ran her hands up the sleeves of torn cloth. How wonderful it was to feel again!
She was free.
She let out a holler. Her voice cracked in disuse. How nice it was to speak again. She did a dance and jumped back to the tree where she woke up. When she got there, her leg collapsed beneath her. She didn’t care as she lied flat on her back staring up into the darkening canopy. Breathing in, she sat up again and looked up and to her left. On a second inspection, she realized she was right. Black clouds billowed in the distance. Despite the growing dusk, the smoke fought to be visible, and she could smell it too. Oh boy could she smell it, but smell did not give her as much satisfaction or joy as did seeing, hearing, and feeling. Why was that? Why was there smoke billowing in the distance?
She looked down at the blue case. What was it? Why was it there?
All the sudden, her conscious mind dropped.
Why did she feel so free? Why was she there?
Who am I?
no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 12:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 09:34 pm (UTC)Feedback because so many people gave me feedback on my last thing and I need to start returning the favor:
Your writing is excellent. Descriptive language, varied sentence structure, it's all good. Your use of fragments to emphasize is effective and well done. Tense is fairly consistent from what I can tell, despite a few patchy spots I only noticed when I read it for a third time. You really have a way of using adjectives and adverbs in combination to effectively convey your message. Overall, awesome work. I WISH I could write something of this quality so quickly.
That being said, some of the phrases of a few sentences are in a strange order that makes it a little confusing to read at times. You also have the tendency to use fragments. While this can be good for emphasis and for simple actions and descriptions, (The "Dirt. Roots." is a good example of this being used well) it becomes a bit distracting if it feels as if it should be one sentence.
(But something nestled itself beneath her head that gave her a crick in her neck. Something large.) The "something large" is also a great use of fragments. However, you shouldn't start a sentence with a 'but.' I feel this could have been written like this: "She noticed something nestled beneath her head. Something that gave her a noticeable crick in her neck. Something large" It makes good use of parallelism and ends the paragraph in a strong way that also builds tension and curiosity as to what the 'something' is. That's mostly a nitpick, though. The way you did it was awesome.
Sentence variation is pretty good, but it has a very noticeable pattern. With one exception, you always end with a simple sentence. This isn't a bad thing, just something I noticed. Most people probably won't notice that, but because it's something I focus on, I tend to.
You also occasionally use the wrong word, though I only counted this happening twice. "The sky that peaked at her through to canopy contrasted a dark blue." I THINK you meant peeked. Not entirely sure. Also, what is it contrasting with?
"Branches fancied with green, swaying leaves leaned into her vision." Maybe: "Softly swaying branches leaned into her vision, the small twigs jutting out fancied with the green leaves." The original sentence doesn't make much grammatical sense, as it's a simple sentence with a gerund phrase before it. I personally had to go back and read it again to get the meaning, although others may not have noticed it.
I only picked those sentences because they were the places where the writing wasn't amazing. I hope this didn't come across as mean. I encourage you to continue this, as I'm very curious to see where it goes. What's in the box?
I wish you the best in keeping motivated. It's something I struggle with too. Hopefully this feedback helps!
no subject
Date: 2017-04-06 09:41 pm (UTC)